Went shopping this weekend for a new pair of jeans but my question for all of you out there is what is up with jeans these days? Low rise, weekend fit, loose fit, ultra low rise, boyfriend, slim, boot cut, yellow tint, whiskered, faded, indigo?!?!?! You can't just go into any old store and ask - can I buy a pair of size 8 jeans please? You think I'm just talking about women? OH NO!!! Shopping for jeans is suddenly a maze where the map is your body and only the coolest of the cool will get out of there alive with the best fitting jeans on the planet. The rest of us will be balled up in a corner, whimpering for our mommies and begging to go back to 1988. Sure back then, it was all about the Guess triangle on your ass and zippers on the side, and wearing socks over your jeans but at least they fit. And you were feeling confident.

And let me tell you, for months I have been ragging on the girls who wear their jeans so low that you can see their cracks (and I'm not just talking about their asses). It's disgusting. Bitch, I don't want to see your fucking thong. I'd like to say it's jealousy over these girls with the perfect tummy I NEVER HAD (even as a ballerina) but it's not. It's just skankiness at its finest.

But yesterday, at the pure satanic home of the devil's brother, Old Navy (the devil presides at the Gap), I tried on a pair of those ultra low rise yellow tint boot cut stretch jeans (that is their official name) and GOD DAMN! I'd never thought the words would come out of my mouth but those were the best fitting jeans known to man. And no, you won't be seeing my thong but, wow! I haven't been this confident about my ass since 1988.

Mama's got a pair of new jeans, baby!